love, love, love

Happy Valentine's Day

When I took this picture in 2008, the most stressful thing going on in my life was that I was on a mission to get the perfect holiday card photo.  I love getting holiday cards.  I love sending holiday cards.  And, I am relentless about getting a good holiday card photo.  Behind their smiling faces, E and A are hungry and tired and ready to scream.  Behind my camera, I am cajoling and bribing and threatening them to get the "perfect" shot.

A lot of people have asked me if see the world differently a year after cancer.  Not so much.

It makes sense.  I would have thought that getting through last year might help me see things differently and help me cut through some of the nonsense that I used to worry about.  Not so much.

I still obsess about holiday card photos; I still get crazy when things get lost (hats, gloves, sleepover bags, etc.); I still worry about packing all of the "perfect" things for E and A for our vacations.

But, one thing is very different.  I see and feel and experience happiness in a much bigger, more intense way.  That sounds trite, I know.  But, really, when I hear E playing the clarinet, when I overhear A reading to J before bed, when I listen to Katy Perry sing "Firework," I am overwhelmed.  My senses are overloaded.

Last weekend at a friend's birthday party, I looked around the room at all of the friends and family and dancing and music and love and fun.  And, I know that I saw it differently than I would have before last year.  The colors were brighter, the love was warmer, the dancing was more fun and the fun was easier to be a part of. 

It's as if a year of cancer has cracked through (some of) the nonsense that I used to worry about and let me see and be more a part of the beautiful and fun and funny things going on around me. 

That's the silver lining.

What is not beautiful or fun or funny about a year after cancer is (still) the hair.  It may be beautifully dyed, and it may be growing quickly.  But, to me, most days it looks and feels like a hedgehog on my head.

I miss the woman with long hair whose biggest worry was getting the "perfect" holiday card photo.

It really is (still) all about the hair.