Who would take care of them while I was being treated? Who would mother them when I was sick? And, God forbid, what would happen if I died? Who would be there for their everyday? And, who would be there for all of their big milestones? Who would do my job?
My food and exercise and anti cancer obsessions are really an insurance plan I've taken out with myself in my head. The treadmill and the leafy green vegetables and low sugar diet are all about my obsession with life and being alive for all of the good stuff that is happening now and that has yet to happen.
Last week, a year and a half after cancer, as I watched a prince marry his college sweetheart, I realized that some of my worries were slightly less worrisome--ever so slightly.
For a year and a half I have been worrying that I might not be around for my children's big and small milestones. But, last week, after "the dress" was revealed, the vows were exchanged, the royal kisses were kissed, the fascinators fascinated, and William and Kate drove away in the Aston Martin, I realized that I didn't think for one minute the whole morning about being (or not being) around for anyone's wedding. Or anyone's anything.
When I watched the beautiful, raven haired Kate walk down the aisle of Westminster Abbey with her father, I just thought that someday my beautiful, raven haired daughter, if she chooses to marry and chooses to have a wedding, will unquestionably be as beautiful as Kate.
And, I didn't worry, for the first time in a long time, at all.
I guess that was my brain's Mother's Day present to me.
And, I guess that really is moving forward.
Happy (very happy) Mother's Day.
Yes! This is exactly what I felt as soon as I heard my cancer diagnosis. I still worry about what will happen to my kids, though I'm working my way through that. I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling like you're able to move on and that there's room in your head for other things. :)
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